I was stuck in traffic earlier, and got thinking about a possible stand-up comedy sketch. It would be based on dreaming that Kerry beat Bush in the last election. So, it would be based on the final knock-down defeat of Big Oil, and its replacement by Big Soup. (the Kerry family being the owners of the monster Heinz corporation. That's the 'subtext', which i don't mind telling you, because i've not finshed the joke yet.) So all the vital wheels of the economy would be transferred to soup. All traffic-lights, offices, homes, factories, power-stations, all would be fuelled by soup. You wouldn't take your car to a gas-station, you'd take it to a soup-station.
And soup would be pumped through the hose into the tank of your car. But also, of course, this is America, so you'd still get to select what grade you want, and there'd be a display of soup choices available. Regular would probably be foodbank soup, almost nothing but water. And the grades could continue through the 'generic' soups such as QFC and Safeways, all the way up to premium de-lux soup, where you could also be putting some bits of asparagus, and even a drop of white wine, into your tank as well. And of course, there'd be organic soup, which would cost more, but would give a longer life to your engine.

There'd be a lot of changes. For example, all the Third World would have to switch to soup-production. Vast soup farms, and oil-rigs transformed into soup-rigs, drilling deep underground to tap the rich soups at the very earth's core. And there'd be wars, as the major powers fought each other for control of the world's vital soup-resources. And just as oil-rigs violently expode when they're bombed from the air, so soup-rigs will spray soup for miles around. And there'll be people staggering around either numb or screaming, but when you watch it on television you won't be quite sure if its blood they're covered in, or tomato soup. So it'll look horrific, but at the same time you won't be sure. And there'll be some splatter, too, all the way up to the American and British planes that bombed them, so when the planes fly back to their base and park, there'll be little bits of chopped carrot and bits of potato just kind of stuck all over them. And though its not really possible, the bits would get into the cockpit too, so the pilot would also be covered in them. Even on his goggles, which would be all soupy-smeared as he tried to wipe them off to see where he was going.

So they'll need special plane-cleaners, with big powerful hoses, to spray down the pilots and planes between flights. You know, like in slaughter-houses, or in a night-club near you in the morning, where guys have to spray all the spilt drinks and vomit and whatever else off the floor. What do you think? I can see Terry Gilliam doing it.


1 comment:

Garbanzo said...

Your inspiring idea led me to put it to the test. I poured 12 cans of Campbell's bean and bacon soup into our Subaru. I put the cap back on, wiped my hands off with a paper towel, got into the car and turned on the ignition. At first, nothing. Then a bllrrp, followed by a rrrhhhpppp, followed by a fzzzgghoopparrrfug. Pistons started popping. Violet plumes of smoke ballooned from the exhaust. I took her out on I-5 and let her rip. Then the engine began to sputter. I managed to get off at the Montlake exit. I pulled to the side. A greenish membrane oozed from the exhaust pipe. Some form of decidua. Or placenta. Inside was a luminous glow. It began to grow. And grew and grew. It became a giant blob. It ate Montlake. I am sorry for this. I liked Montlake. It was one of my favorite neighborhoods. Maby Animal Shelter will capture the blob and find a home for it.

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